I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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