this just has baby written all over it
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
