Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
