Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
