But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
