Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
