I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Randomize
