I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You've changed since you got that strap on
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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