she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
