I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
