Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
