I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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