I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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