Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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