My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
