Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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