just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
