I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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