i just google imaged poop.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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