Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
