Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
