guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
