Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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