He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
