I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
