Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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