"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
