So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
me + whiskey = a bad person
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
