hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
