I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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