U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
