So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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