Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
