Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
How naked do you want me to be?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
