I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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