I heard we made out
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
