I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
not ubering you a puppy
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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