Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
