I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
