I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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