Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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