what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize