It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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