life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
