I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
