cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
