Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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