Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
