I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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