haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
