My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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