do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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