saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
