New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
