Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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