i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
